The Old People List

My mom is now officially on the "old people" list and here's why:

After she was done grocery shopping at Sprout's Farmers Market she was walking toward her parked car and clicked the unlock button located on her key chain. The familiar "beep-beep" sound assured her the car was now unlocked, but when pulled on the driver's side door handle she realized the car was still locked. She pulled her keys out of her purse and clicked the button again. Beep-Beep! She tries the door again. Locked. She thought that perhaps the angle she was at was keeping the sensor from recognizing the signal properly, so she walked to the front of the car and pointed it directly at the hood and clicked again. "Beep-Beep". Now she's SURE she heard it "beep" THAT time, so she confidently walks to the passenger side door and pulls on the door handle. Still locked. She is now getting frazzled and impatient and points the remote right inside the car and clicks. "Beep-Beep!" And yet again, the door remains locked. At this point she is getting upset and she attempts to unlock the door by hand and shoves the key into the hole and gives it a turn. Nothing. She starts muttering to herself about how all she wants to do is unlock her stupid car and put in her groceries, and asking her self why isn't this working, and so forth. While she is talking to herself she walks over to the driver's side door again and gets her key ready to shove it into the key hole. Right before the key makes contact, the dark tinted window rolls down and a man sitting in the drivers seat yells at her, "THIS AIN'T YOUR CAR LADY!!!!!" Turns out mom was parked right next to a car that looked just like hers.
And so, that is what put my mom on the "beep-e-d-y beep beep" list of people that are officially old. One of the many reasons why I love her is because she called me immediately afterwards laughing hysterically while telling me all about it.
Love you mom. Keep smilin'.

A Sick Mom

A Sick Mom
By Erin Sivert
November 6, 2013

A sick mom cannot “go lay down and rest”
As her well meaning yet clueless husband will suggest
Her head will be on a pillow and covers up to her chin
But all she can think of is the state her house will be in
For she knows the laundry will end up all over the floor
And no one will bother to shut the fridge door.
Fruit snack wrappers will be all over the place
And chocolate chips will be smeared on each un bathed face
How about popcorn for dinner and some Lord of the Rings
Oh please no! Nightmares and bed frights the future now brings
Doors are slamming, kids are going in and out
There is bickering, teasing and a very loud shout
The kids don’t get homework done, no one takes a shower
The sick mom locked away in her room now has no power
She hears crying after the little one crashes his bike
OH! hubby will never know what it’s like
To be forced by an illness to stay in a bed
When you’d would rather be running the household instead.
Hours past bedtime the kids are finally down
Nobody brushes, and PJ’s aren’t found
The house is finally quiet and hubby checks in on you
He says, “I bet now that your rested, you’re good as new”---
Sick mom just smiles and gives a praise of “well done”
And he thinks hundreds of brownie points are now won.
So, you see- a sick mom cannot “go lay down and rest”
As her well meaning yet CLUELESS husband will suggest.

Corn

For today’s funny story I decided I would copy an entry from my journal dated March 13, 2009. (My son, Joe, would have been 10 years old at the time.) Here it is:

“Last night we are all sitting eating dinner. Ben had made a beautiful and delicious salad full of all kinds of veggies, including a new family favorite: beets!
So as we were all eating our salad I expressed to the children how proud I was of them for eating healthy and liking veggies. This started the following conversation:
CJ: I know a kid at school who won't eat any vegetables except corn. He loves corn but no other kind of vegetable.
Ben: Actually, corn's not really a vegetable
CJ: Yeah it is!
Ben: No, it's really a grain.
Camerin: Actually, it's a fruit.
Ben: Hey, maybe you're right Camerin!
Camerin: Yeah, because it has those yellow seed things that you eat, on the outside of it... you know those things?
Joe: (as he rolls his eyes at his little sisters "stupidity" for not knowing what they are called) "They're called urinals, Camerin!"

After Ben and I busted up, Joe realized his mistake and corrected it... Poor Kid, he gets it from me unfortunately!”

It’s true. He really does get his air brained ways from me. I plan on writing about those later on and posting them on this blog.

Filters

It’s a wonder to me how any mom can have the slightest bit of self esteem by the time her children are old enough to know about “filters”. Teaching our kids to say something other than what they are actually thinking is mentally exhausting, but it does provide some pretty funny moments.
Here are some examples:

1. UNFILTERED VERSION: When Tommy was little he caught sight of my cleavage showing when my shirt needed to be adjusted. He was disgusted by this and exclaimed, “ UGH! MOM! I can see your other butt crack!” FILTERED VERSION: “mom, fix your shirt”.

2. UNFILTERED VERSION: Church was about to start and the opening prayer was about to be said. The room was very quiet. I leaned down and whispered to Matthew, “fold your arms for the prayer”. He then plugged his nose and very loudly says, “ ewwww! Mom! You’re breath stinks!”. There were muffled giggles during the entire prayer. FILTERED VERSION: whispers, “mom would you like some gum?”

3. UNFILTERED VERSION: All of my kids at one point during their childhood have made comments about the moles on my face, neck, and arms. Joe always thought they were clumps of dirt. CJ thought they were moldy mosquito bites. Tommy thought they were bugs, and Matthew called them “brown bumps”. When my daughter Camerin was little she was always trying to pick them off of my skin. One day she just looked up at me and said very sympathetically, “ I’m sorry I can’t get those chocolate chips off your face mommy. I hope you still feel pretty anyways.” FILTERED VERSION: “you are pretty, Mommy”

4. UNFILTERED VERSION: Matthew barged into the bathroom right when I was getting out of the shower. I asked him to please leave and shut the door so I could have privacy. His reply was, “it’s ok mom, I will be nice. I won’t tell you that your bum is a big bum- I won’t say that” FILTERED VERSION: “oops, sorry mom” and shutting the door.

5. UNFILTERED VERSON: When my son CJ was little he was snuggling with me on the couch and his foot rubbed up against my bare leg. He then asked, “do all moms have pokey legs?” ( the answer is YES, by the way) FILTERED VERSION: “I love snuggling with you mom”

6. UNFILTERED VERSON: While buckling Joe into his car seat when he was little he says to me, “ mommy why did you color on your teeth?” I inquired why he would ask that and he replied, “ because today they are yellow!” FILTERED VERSION: “thanks for buckling up my car seat mom.”

7. UNFILTRED VERSION: While singing a bedtime song to my two oldest boys when they were little, CJ put his hand over my mouth and demanded , “mommy, stop now” to which Joe says, “ thank you CJ!” FILTERED VERSION: “thanks mommy, good night”

8. UNFILTERED VERSION: Matthew watching me work out to my Slim in 6 excersice video says, “mom, you don’t look like that lady AT ALL!” FILTERED VERSION: “good job mom!”

100 Years

When Tommy was in kindergarten I used to drive him along with one of his classmates to school in the morning. From the back seat one particular morning I heard the following conversation: Tommy says to his friend, “ I like Miss Arnold. She’s nice. Do you like her?” His friend replies, “yep. And you know what? She kind of looks like your mom!” Tommy then corrects his friend and defends his teacher by saying, “ No she doesn’t! Miss Arnold is NOT one hundred years old!”

Punishment Accomplished

Yesterday while driving the kids home from school ,Tommy was in one of his bad moods and was snapping at everything anyone else in the van said or did.  A block away from home I couldn’t take anymore of his attitude and pulled the van over and told him to get out and walk the rest of the way . While getting out he said, “ good! I want to walk home- that’s what I want anyway.” He then stomped off  without looking back and headed towards home.  I sat for a minute watching him walk in such a furry, and wondered if I should follow him just to make sure he gets home ok. Yeah, that’s what I should do. The poor kid obviously had a bad day at school and I should be nice. He doesn’t need to feel like no one cares. This will show I still care, even though he is being punished for his behavior… So, I drive slowly and gradually approach where he is at. He glances over his shoulder and sees that I am following him and then turns and gives me the biggest stink face ever! At that moment I said to myself, “FINE!” And then I laid on the horn. HONNNNNNK! Tommy jumped a foot off the ground and turned towards me and shook his fist at me. I then waved at him and drove on by.  I turned the corner and was almost to our house when the thought came to me. “do it again.” OK! So I  went around the block again, and came up behind him again. This time he saw me and he stopped walking  and stood on the curb, waiting for me to pull right up beside him. I pulled up beside him and stopped.  Oh you could feel his anger for me. He was shooting daggers out his eyes at me. He stared at me. I stared at him. It was a showdown. (western music plays in my mind) Who would be the first to “draw”?  My hand is hovering over the horn on my steering wheel. His foot is inching it’s way off the curb about to step onto the road…… HHOOOOOOOONKKK!!! I win.  And I drive off again. I get to our house and the thought comes once more, “do it again!” OK! So I drive around the block again… He is about 10 houses away from being home. I creep up behind him in the van. This time he knows I’m there but refuses to look, and while ignoring me as best he can starts to strut down the center of the road, blocking me from being able to go past him. I give a little HONK with the horn. He is able to ignore it. I’m coasting right behind him now as he is king of the road and stomping towards home. I give a little BEEP with the horn this time.  He takes a few more steps. BEEP.  Two more steps. Beep. Keeps on walking. Beep!…takes two steps ….Beep!…few more steps ..Beep!……Beep!……Beep! .....He now bursts into a  sprint and runs full speed the rest of the way to the house. I stay back a good distance just in case he trips and falls –it wouldn’t be funny anymore if I ran my kid over----  By the time I pull up into the driveway he is already inside the house.

I get out of the van, check the mailbox, and eventually go inside. Tommy is in his room with the door closed. I knock. Silence. I  attempt to open his door but he has pushed his dresser in front of it and I cannot get it open.  I turn and walk away, and though there is a part of me for feels bad for being so immature, I can’t help but smirk and think, “I win!” Punishment accomplished.

ps. part of what makes this story so funny is the fact that my husband, Ben ,does not think it is funny AT ALL! 

The Many Uses of Orajel

After the birth of my 5^th child, I got hemorrhoids so bad I felt like  that poor baboon I saw at the zoo once- you know, the animal that gets all the attention because its rear end looked like a giant watermelon with the rind removed. The pain from having such an object on my lower half was worse than the pain from my recent c-section. I was in agony and no over the counter products for such an ailment brought any relief to my condition. I was crying to my sister about this on the phone one afternoon, and she was offering different suggestions to help ease my pain. I had tried everything she had mentioned, and finally she came up with a brilliant idea. Why not try Orajel?--- You know, O-R-A-J-E-L,  the stuff you put on baby’s gums when they are teething, or to numb the inside of your lip when you have a canker sore.  Hey, if it can numb a canker sore, why not a massive hemorrhoid?  And I was in LUCK! I just happened to have had a whole tube of it! I took it from the medicine cabinet and looked at it carefully. The label read, “Maximum Strength Orajel- Mint Flavored”. I shrugged off my doubts  and thought, “why not?” and then took it into the bathroom and applied a generous amount. It took about 3 seconds before, HOLY FREAKIN’ CRAP! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! *removed excess with toilet paper* OH MY GOSH! *it’s absorbing into my skin- it’s burning so bad it feels like acid eating away my flesh* OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH *started dancing around my bathroom with my pants down at my ankles* OH  HOLY CRAP! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! I frantically kicked my pants off and  got into the bathtub- I was  shaking so badly I could hardly grasp the knobs to turn on the water. I remained there in shock for about 20 minutes until the pain subsided. When I came to my senses I thought about what I had done and mused, “Well! My butt’s on fire, but at least it’s minty fresh!”