The Many Uses of Orajel

After the birth of my 5^th child, I got hemorrhoids so bad I felt like  that poor baboon I saw at the zoo once- you know, the animal that gets all the attention because its rear end looked like a giant watermelon with the rind removed. The pain from having such an object on my lower half was worse than the pain from my recent c-section. I was in agony and no over the counter products for such an ailment brought any relief to my condition. I was crying to my sister about this on the phone one afternoon, and she was offering different suggestions to help ease my pain. I had tried everything she had mentioned, and finally she came up with a brilliant idea. Why not try Orajel?--- You know, O-R-A-J-E-L,  the stuff you put on baby’s gums when they are teething, or to numb the inside of your lip when you have a canker sore.  Hey, if it can numb a canker sore, why not a massive hemorrhoid?  And I was in LUCK! I just happened to have had a whole tube of it! I took it from the medicine cabinet and looked at it carefully. The label read, “Maximum Strength Orajel- Mint Flavored”. I shrugged off my doubts  and thought, “why not?” and then took it into the bathroom and applied a generous amount. It took about 3 seconds before, HOLY FREAKIN’ CRAP! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! *removed excess with toilet paper* OH MY GOSH! *it’s absorbing into my skin- it’s burning so bad it feels like acid eating away my flesh* OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH *started dancing around my bathroom with my pants down at my ankles* OH  HOLY CRAP! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! I frantically kicked my pants off and  got into the bathtub- I was  shaking so badly I could hardly grasp the knobs to turn on the water. I remained there in shock for about 20 minutes until the pain subsided. When I came to my senses I thought about what I had done and mused, “Well! My butt’s on fire, but at least it’s minty fresh!”