A Sick Mom

A Sick Mom
By Erin Sivert
November 6, 2013

A sick mom cannot “go lay down and rest”
As her well meaning yet clueless husband will suggest
Her head will be on a pillow and covers up to her chin
But all she can think of is the state her house will be in
For she knows the laundry will end up all over the floor
And no one will bother to shut the fridge door.
Fruit snack wrappers will be all over the place
And chocolate chips will be smeared on each un bathed face
How about popcorn for dinner and some Lord of the Rings
Oh please no! Nightmares and bed frights the future now brings
Doors are slamming, kids are going in and out
There is bickering, teasing and a very loud shout
The kids don’t get homework done, no one takes a shower
The sick mom locked away in her room now has no power
She hears crying after the little one crashes his bike
OH! hubby will never know what it’s like
To be forced by an illness to stay in a bed
When you’d would rather be running the household instead.
Hours past bedtime the kids are finally down
Nobody brushes, and PJ’s aren’t found
The house is finally quiet and hubby checks in on you
He says, “I bet now that your rested, you’re good as new”---
Sick mom just smiles and gives a praise of “well done”
And he thinks hundreds of brownie points are now won.
So, you see- a sick mom cannot “go lay down and rest”
As her well meaning yet CLUELESS husband will suggest.

Corn

For today’s funny story I decided I would copy an entry from my journal dated March 13, 2009. (My son, Joe, would have been 10 years old at the time.) Here it is:

“Last night we are all sitting eating dinner. Ben had made a beautiful and delicious salad full of all kinds of veggies, including a new family favorite: beets!
So as we were all eating our salad I expressed to the children how proud I was of them for eating healthy and liking veggies. This started the following conversation:
CJ: I know a kid at school who won't eat any vegetables except corn. He loves corn but no other kind of vegetable.
Ben: Actually, corn's not really a vegetable
CJ: Yeah it is!
Ben: No, it's really a grain.
Camerin: Actually, it's a fruit.
Ben: Hey, maybe you're right Camerin!
Camerin: Yeah, because it has those yellow seed things that you eat, on the outside of it... you know those things?
Joe: (as he rolls his eyes at his little sisters "stupidity" for not knowing what they are called) "They're called urinals, Camerin!"

After Ben and I busted up, Joe realized his mistake and corrected it... Poor Kid, he gets it from me unfortunately!”

It’s true. He really does get his air brained ways from me. I plan on writing about those later on and posting them on this blog.

Filters

It’s a wonder to me how any mom can have the slightest bit of self esteem by the time her children are old enough to know about “filters”. Teaching our kids to say something other than what they are actually thinking is mentally exhausting, but it does provide some pretty funny moments.
Here are some examples:

1. UNFILTERED VERSION: When Tommy was little he caught sight of my cleavage showing when my shirt needed to be adjusted. He was disgusted by this and exclaimed, “ UGH! MOM! I can see your other butt crack!” FILTERED VERSION: “mom, fix your shirt”.

2. UNFILTERED VERSION: Church was about to start and the opening prayer was about to be said. The room was very quiet. I leaned down and whispered to Matthew, “fold your arms for the prayer”. He then plugged his nose and very loudly says, “ ewwww! Mom! You’re breath stinks!”. There were muffled giggles during the entire prayer. FILTERED VERSION: whispers, “mom would you like some gum?”

3. UNFILTERED VERSION: All of my kids at one point during their childhood have made comments about the moles on my face, neck, and arms. Joe always thought they were clumps of dirt. CJ thought they were moldy mosquito bites. Tommy thought they were bugs, and Matthew called them “brown bumps”. When my daughter Camerin was little she was always trying to pick them off of my skin. One day she just looked up at me and said very sympathetically, “ I’m sorry I can’t get those chocolate chips off your face mommy. I hope you still feel pretty anyways.” FILTERED VERSION: “you are pretty, Mommy”

4. UNFILTERED VERSION: Matthew barged into the bathroom right when I was getting out of the shower. I asked him to please leave and shut the door so I could have privacy. His reply was, “it’s ok mom, I will be nice. I won’t tell you that your bum is a big bum- I won’t say that” FILTERED VERSION: “oops, sorry mom” and shutting the door.

5. UNFILTERED VERSON: When my son CJ was little he was snuggling with me on the couch and his foot rubbed up against my bare leg. He then asked, “do all moms have pokey legs?” ( the answer is YES, by the way) FILTERED VERSION: “I love snuggling with you mom”

6. UNFILTERED VERSON: While buckling Joe into his car seat when he was little he says to me, “ mommy why did you color on your teeth?” I inquired why he would ask that and he replied, “ because today they are yellow!” FILTERED VERSION: “thanks for buckling up my car seat mom.”

7. UNFILTRED VERSION: While singing a bedtime song to my two oldest boys when they were little, CJ put his hand over my mouth and demanded , “mommy, stop now” to which Joe says, “ thank you CJ!” FILTERED VERSION: “thanks mommy, good night”

8. UNFILTERED VERSION: Matthew watching me work out to my Slim in 6 excersice video says, “mom, you don’t look like that lady AT ALL!” FILTERED VERSION: “good job mom!”

100 Years

When Tommy was in kindergarten I used to drive him along with one of his classmates to school in the morning. From the back seat one particular morning I heard the following conversation: Tommy says to his friend, “ I like Miss Arnold. She’s nice. Do you like her?” His friend replies, “yep. And you know what? She kind of looks like your mom!” Tommy then corrects his friend and defends his teacher by saying, “ No she doesn’t! Miss Arnold is NOT one hundred years old!”

Punishment Accomplished

Yesterday while driving the kids home from school ,Tommy was in one of his bad moods and was snapping at everything anyone else in the van said or did.  A block away from home I couldn’t take anymore of his attitude and pulled the van over and told him to get out and walk the rest of the way . While getting out he said, “ good! I want to walk home- that’s what I want anyway.” He then stomped off  without looking back and headed towards home.  I sat for a minute watching him walk in such a furry, and wondered if I should follow him just to make sure he gets home ok. Yeah, that’s what I should do. The poor kid obviously had a bad day at school and I should be nice. He doesn’t need to feel like no one cares. This will show I still care, even though he is being punished for his behavior… So, I drive slowly and gradually approach where he is at. He glances over his shoulder and sees that I am following him and then turns and gives me the biggest stink face ever! At that moment I said to myself, “FINE!” And then I laid on the horn. HONNNNNNK! Tommy jumped a foot off the ground and turned towards me and shook his fist at me. I then waved at him and drove on by.  I turned the corner and was almost to our house when the thought came to me. “do it again.” OK! So I  went around the block again, and came up behind him again. This time he saw me and he stopped walking  and stood on the curb, waiting for me to pull right up beside him. I pulled up beside him and stopped.  Oh you could feel his anger for me. He was shooting daggers out his eyes at me. He stared at me. I stared at him. It was a showdown. (western music plays in my mind) Who would be the first to “draw”?  My hand is hovering over the horn on my steering wheel. His foot is inching it’s way off the curb about to step onto the road…… HHOOOOOOOONKKK!!! I win.  And I drive off again. I get to our house and the thought comes once more, “do it again!” OK! So I drive around the block again… He is about 10 houses away from being home. I creep up behind him in the van. This time he knows I’m there but refuses to look, and while ignoring me as best he can starts to strut down the center of the road, blocking me from being able to go past him. I give a little HONK with the horn. He is able to ignore it. I’m coasting right behind him now as he is king of the road and stomping towards home. I give a little BEEP with the horn this time.  He takes a few more steps. BEEP.  Two more steps. Beep. Keeps on walking. Beep!…takes two steps ….Beep!…few more steps ..Beep!……Beep!……Beep! .....He now bursts into a  sprint and runs full speed the rest of the way to the house. I stay back a good distance just in case he trips and falls –it wouldn’t be funny anymore if I ran my kid over----  By the time I pull up into the driveway he is already inside the house.

I get out of the van, check the mailbox, and eventually go inside. Tommy is in his room with the door closed. I knock. Silence. I  attempt to open his door but he has pushed his dresser in front of it and I cannot get it open.  I turn and walk away, and though there is a part of me for feels bad for being so immature, I can’t help but smirk and think, “I win!” Punishment accomplished.

ps. part of what makes this story so funny is the fact that my husband, Ben ,does not think it is funny AT ALL! 

The Many Uses of Orajel

After the birth of my 5^th child, I got hemorrhoids so bad I felt like  that poor baboon I saw at the zoo once- you know, the animal that gets all the attention because its rear end looked like a giant watermelon with the rind removed. The pain from having such an object on my lower half was worse than the pain from my recent c-section. I was in agony and no over the counter products for such an ailment brought any relief to my condition. I was crying to my sister about this on the phone one afternoon, and she was offering different suggestions to help ease my pain. I had tried everything she had mentioned, and finally she came up with a brilliant idea. Why not try Orajel?--- You know, O-R-A-J-E-L,  the stuff you put on baby’s gums when they are teething, or to numb the inside of your lip when you have a canker sore.  Hey, if it can numb a canker sore, why not a massive hemorrhoid?  And I was in LUCK! I just happened to have had a whole tube of it! I took it from the medicine cabinet and looked at it carefully. The label read, “Maximum Strength Orajel- Mint Flavored”. I shrugged off my doubts  and thought, “why not?” and then took it into the bathroom and applied a generous amount. It took about 3 seconds before, HOLY FREAKIN’ CRAP! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! *removed excess with toilet paper* OH MY GOSH! *it’s absorbing into my skin- it’s burning so bad it feels like acid eating away my flesh* OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH *started dancing around my bathroom with my pants down at my ankles* OH  HOLY CRAP! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! I frantically kicked my pants off and  got into the bathtub- I was  shaking so badly I could hardly grasp the knobs to turn on the water. I remained there in shock for about 20 minutes until the pain subsided. When I came to my senses I thought about what I had done and mused, “Well! My butt’s on fire, but at least it’s minty fresh!”

Matthew's Rebuke

 I  made a salad for lunch today and my little four year old commented about how good of a choice I had made so I cannot be fat anymore. I agreed that I felt good about my food choice, and overlooked the part about him telling me I was fat.  He then said, “ someday when I am grown up I hope I am big like you, only not squishy like you”  I replied by telling him that God makes each of us different and we should be happy with ourselves no matter what. He then got very serious and looked at me and said, “mom, God did not make you that way—Cheeseburgers did!” ….Touché  son., Touché.

You're so PRETTY!

I love the idea of the "Family Restroom" that is available at Walmart. What I don't love is having the baby toilet and the big toilet side by side with no privacy dividers inbetween them. My little guy was trying really hard to look the other way and give me privacy, but curiosity got the best of him and he peeked right when I was about to pull up my pants. He immediately shouted out in disbelief, " Mom! you are wearing a GIANT'S underwear!" *sigh*... Nothing builds you up like a four year old with no filter... When my oldest son was this age, he saw a lady at the store with some serious "junk in her trunk" and said outloud while pointing to her, "Mom! That lady has a super huge bum". I was terified she might have heard, and quickly walked the opposite direction and after being out of her sight, I gave him a very stern lecture about how unkind that was, and how we need to be careful about what we say so we don't make people feel bad about how they look. He asked me what he should have said instead-- to which I replied, "nothing! just don't say anything at all" he was not satisfied with this and kept pushing the subject with me. Finally we concluded that from now on, if he saw something that seemed shocking or strange to him regarding any woman, he could use a code. The code was saying the word, "pretty", followed immediately with winking two times. So from now on, he could simply say, " mom look at that pretty lady" *wink*, *wink*. This seemed like a good idea at the time, but several weeks later I took him into a dressing room with me while out clothes shopping for myself. After trying on a pair of pants he exclaimed, "oh mom! you're bum is really...REALLY...PRETTY!!!" *wink* *wink*

Creepy Moms

Converstation at the dinner table between my two teenage sons: CJ says to Joe, “So, you know how when we go to our friends’ houses- their mom’s are like all nice and stuff? How they talk all sweet to you?—I’m just not used to a mom acting like that, and it’s weird!” To which Joe readily responded with, “ I know!!!! It’s so CREEPY!!!” …. So, please can you creepy nice moms stop talking sweet to my kids when they are at your houses? It’s making them feel uncomfortable.

Cooked Cabbage

Today my kids helped me make lunch. They helped by chopping cabbage, crunching up ramen noodles and toasting up some almonds. Yes, the famous cabbage salad that is available in mass quantaties at church pot luck dinners- is also served at least once a week in my home as part of a meal. While chopping the cabbage with a dull butterknife,(it's all I will let my accident prone, ninja wanna be boy use while I am in his blood zone-) my son commented on how he loves the smell of raw cabbage, but hates the smell of it when it's cooked. At his remark, an instant smile spread accross my face and I remembered a time when he was just a newborn baby being rocked in my arms when I shared those same feelings about cooked cabbage. It all started with a breast infection called mastitis, which causes severe pain and high fevers. My newborn was just a few days old when the infection hit. I was also recovering from a c-section, and suffering from all that comes from extreme sleep depravation. My mother, knowing how bad my post partum depression gets when I don't get any sleep, came to my rescue early one morning by announcing she was taking the older kids to school,as well as picking them up from school, and then taking the baby and my toddler for the whole day. She gave me strict orders that I was to stay in bed all day and sleep. She also told me that she had heard that wrapping your breasts in cold cabbage leaves helps to ease the pain while recovering from mastitis. My Lortab 5's did nothing for my pain,and only made me sleepy, so I quit taking them after the first night home from the hospital. I was desparate for some relief and told her I would be willing to try anything at this point. She promptly went to the grocery store and bought the biggest head of cabbage available. We decided to peel apart the massive leaves and freeze them individually before using them. She then packed up the stuff she would need to care for my children at her house all day, loaded up the kids, and left. I waited about 30 minutes before checking to see if my cabbage leaves were ready. They were frozen stiff, so I took a few of them and strategically placed them one by one, layer by layer, all around my boobs until I felt like an enormous human egg roll. I then took another dose of antibiotics along with some pain pills and got myself situated in my bed. The last thing I thought before falling asleep was how ridiculous I felt having my bra packed full of cabbage. I woke up several hours later to the sound of my children rushing in through the front door. What?!! Is this for real?!! Did I seriously just sleep the ENTIRE day?! I looked at the clock. NO WAY! It was past 5:00pm! I felt great! I felt alive again! I made my way out of my bed to greet my mother and children out in the living room. She left after knowing for certain that my husband would soon be home from work, and since the children had already been fed dinner, I let them just sit and watch a movie while I snuggled with my baby in the rocking chair. I was enjoying having my baby in my arms, but he stunk! I checked his diaper...clean. I asked the kids who were all near by if someone just tooted or something. Nope. I looked around my surroundings for a dirty diaper, or something. Nothing. Wait a minute...*sniff*, *sniff*, what is that? *sniff* *sniff*, what the heck is that smell? It smelt good and horrible at the same time. I looked over towards the kitchen. Had my mom brought dinner? Was there some kind of stew in the crock pot? *sniff*... *sniff*...What the heck! It totally smells like something is cooking, something like....CABBAGE!!!!! Oh my gosh! I quickly set the baby down, and checked down my shirt. I reached down my bra. UHG! Soggy, wilted, smelly, cooked cabbage! Ha Ha. I thought how funny it would have beeen if my husband would have walked in from work just then. "Hi Honey, I'm home! *sniff* mmmmmmm! Something smells really good! What's for dinner?!!"

The Heimlich Maneuver

My little 4 year old son, Matthew, started choking on his food at the dinner table last night. I felt a surge of panic as I rushed to him to assess if he would need help dislodging the food stuck down his throat. My mind raced instantly through the steps of administering the Heimlich maneuver. I was relieved when he coughed up what he was choking on, and I would not need to assist him. I have never had to do the Heimlich maneuver on anyone, and I had only seen it done in person once, and that was a long time ago when I was only 6 years old. My family and I were eating dinner one night when my mother started choking. My dad had excused himself a few minutes earlier to take a shower and clean up before having to leave for a meeting. Seeing that my mother needed help,my oldest sister ran to get my dad out of the shower to come and administer the Heimlich maneuver on mom. I remember sitting at the table next to my mom, watching her choke and feeling very scared and helpless while we waited for my dad to arrive and safe her. Within seconds of my sister rushing out of the room for help, my father came running into the kitchen. He was dripping wet, and completely naked. I was terrified! Have you ever seen anyone give the Heimlich maneuver? You have to spread your legs out and squat down in order to balance yourself while your wrapping your arms around the person in distress. And then you push your fists into their stomach with quick strong thrusts, over and over, until the thing being choked on is successfully dislodged from the victims airways. It’s a pretty jolting maneuver. Things bounce around a lot doing those kinds of motions--even with your clothes on---and my little brain was on overload from watching this scene play before my eyes. After my dad saved my moms life, he calmly turned around and with quiet dignity walked down the hallway to finish his shower. The room was silent except for the sound of my mother catching her breath. I quickly glanced around at my siblings, hoping to see from their faces that I was not the only one who just witnessed this traumatic and shocking event. They all seemed suddenly interested in the food still on their plates. I stared down the now empty hallway trying to process everything I had just seen. Then a smile started to spread across my face… followed by uncontrolled laughter, which my mother immediately scolded me for. That was the first and thankfully so far, only time, I had ever seen anyone do the Heimlich maneuver with no clothes on!

Register 6 and the Snot Comet

Today the Walmart cashier at register 6 coughed up a big loogie and casually spit it into the trashcan right before ringing up my grogeries. It was gross, but the way he did it so quickly and effortlessly was almost admirable. I remember in the 9th grade waiting for my bus to come and having to spit out a loogie right when the bus showed up . I had 2 choices: 1. swallow it, or 2. hurry and spit it out before the bus driver opens the doors. I was not going to swallow it! So I prepared to project my little ball of phlem onto the sidewalk like I had seen my brother do at least a hundred times, how hard could it be? I even curled my tongue to create an exit tunnel for it. And then I blow! And instead of a nice little ball, what came out resembled a three foot long snot comet shooting through outer space-- the bottom of which was making its way to the earth, while the tail end of it was still in my mouth. PANIC!!! The bus stops. I'm tryiing to disconnect from the loogie hanging out of my mouth. I'm hunched over in a barfing position to avoid it getting on my face, or in my hair. The doors to the bus open. I'm now using my thumb and forefinger to try and "pinch" it off. The driver is waiting. My back is turned to him, I hold up my spare finger and try to say, " juth a minute.. juth hold on". I finally realease it and fling it away from myself and climb on to the bus. Next time, I'm swallowing!!!! So, to the Walmart cashier at register 6- I salute you!

Here Comes Comedy to The Rescue!

When I see the humor in life, I see beyond the struggles. Sometimes funny things are really noticeable and other times you have to make a conscious effort to find them. There are even times I have to force myself to find the humor that surrounds me, or just make something up. It's easy to be a grump, that's why I admire people who make the effort to find humor. I need laughter. I crave it. My body, mind and soul feel free when I brake through the darkness with laughter. It cures my despression and gives me energy. It creates space for a sense of well being inside of me. It literally rescues me from destructive self pitty. Comedy that uplifts, inspires, and cleanses the mind needs to be clean, praiseworthy, and comfortable. I have the need for this in my life on a daily basis, and so I have decided to create a blog specifically for this purpose. I hope to write something every day that makes me laugh, and I hope on my bad days I can remember it won't last long because here comes Comedy to The Rescue!